I seem to have left my pride at pride
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
True strength comes from lack of pants
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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