i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I wear drunk well.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
