Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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