I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
