no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
