opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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