Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
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Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
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you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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