dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You can't motorboat a personality
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
