Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
