Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
