Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
