Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
