Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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