i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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