There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
