they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
