i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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