This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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