theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Still dying that you shit outside
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Randomize