you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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