I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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