1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I want a musical about memes.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
