I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
