so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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