Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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