I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
