I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He better not be in your backpack
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
