I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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