My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
