man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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