I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
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