Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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