Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
