Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
