if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
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