and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
