He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
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6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
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sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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