you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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