She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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