Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
