I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
