new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.