I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
