how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
