I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
