Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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