are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Can Purell be used as lube?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
