By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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