how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
