I can't watch pbs sober anymore
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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