I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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