I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
