Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
