Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
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Everything about him screamed your future.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
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the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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