I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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