if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
she smelled like a LAN party
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
