sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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