Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
