Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
