dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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